In this weeks column, I'd like to talk to you about two of our new FLAVEL (Four Legged Animal Vermin Extermination League) approved range of Sheep Demolition Equipment.
All of these items make excellence gifts. Those on a stricter budget should consider our Model BAA-1-SNAPPER, but for those of a more generous disposition the perfect gift we have the latest in SDT (Sheep Demolition Technology) - the Mark 3 Cruise missile. Naturally, our Mark 3s come with the newest release of the built-in image recognition software which avoids all those regrettable incidents involving four-legged household pets you may have heard about on the news recently.
You should see the size of the mousehole...
Item BAA-1-SNAPPER only $24.95
As
featured on TV
(Ewe've Been Flamed 1/10/98)
Item BAA-BQ only $4.99
Friends already worked out how they put Ships
in a Bottle? Try this...
Item SHP-IN-BOTLE only $49.94 - Batteries not included
*** STAR BUY ***
Item CRUISE-M3 only $24,999,999.95
To order your FLAVEL catalogue simply call 01231-08813-021323-92323 ($9/min) with your credit details and after a simple 30 minute explanatory introduction you will be unable to purchase any of the items shown. Please allow 28 years and 3 months for delivery. Not suitable for children under 36 years of age. Student and OAP rates available on request.
Next time, I'll show you how to apply standard implosive housing demolition
techniques to remove one sheep without damage to the rest of the flock.
Use of a nuclear minefield to control sheep infestations is strictly over the top
"Dangerous Dave"
is currently serving a 10 year sentence at the Westbury Clinic for the Criminally Insane
after using nuclear mines to control sheep infestation in Wales (see insert right). We
hope to obtain more articles from him upon his release.
The author has asked that sympathetic web masters turn their pages black in a demonstration against his imprisonment, and as part of the "Free The Westbury One" campaign. Personally, as long as every ink-blot test looks like a sheep to him we believe he should continue to wear suits that do up at the back and remain in an establishment capable of looking after him properly - i.e. one with a large yearly bill for rubber wallpaper.